This subject is a mind bender

(No. 135) In the end we have no say

I wouldn’t be surprised if this were actually what it was like at the end. I love this video.

@islandkaloI decided to record myself dying🤣 #surf #clowningaround #kookslams #waves #ocean #photography #surfvideos #hawaii #hawaiianislands #me #funinthesun #sunnydays

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Most of my friends don’t like to talk about getting older. They prefer to talk about how ageless they feel. Or how youthful. How strong. Resilient. I once was among them. In my 50s, I felt about 19 years old, most of the time. Now I feel exactly 65 years old. That’s intentional.

I now see aging as the most complex challenge of my life so far. I would like the years of getting older to unfold slowly, deliberately, beautifully. I frequently think about how many years I might have left to enjoy the incredible show of colors, shapes, thoughts and feelings that surround me. This, too, is intentional.

I have convinced myself that I will enjoy life more if I look realistically at the fact that one day it will end. That, in turn, makes me pay more attention to every moment. Rather than imagine the circumstances of my death, or the difficulties that might come at the end of my life, I turn my attention, as much as possible, to the current moment.

This assumption could be delusional. But the beauty of delusion is that it never seems so to the deluded. That, too, can be intentional.

I love being alive in this universe. While I’m highly susceptible to the mesmerizing pull of new tech, I find the analog world immediately outside my eyes, nose, ears and fingers to be far more interesting than the metaverse. Getting older can at times be so confounding that I treat it like any unknown in my life: I accept it and face it, however it reveals itself. I try not to “manage” it, or run away from it, hoping it will fade away.

That’s me, posing on a selfie throne as the Pride crowd swirls around. My NYC neighborhood, Chelsea, always fills with such joy the night before the big Pride parade. Photo by Violet Williams.

Bringing life back to the present moment is, for me, grounding and exciting at the same time. A few minutes ago I was pruning rose bushes and pulling weeds in my neglected rooftop garden. One of the rose bushes was infested with largish black and white bugs. When I focused on trimming away the diseased leaves and stems and setting them, along with the bugs, into a garbage bag, I felt purposeful and deliberate. When my mind strayed to apocalyptic future scenarios where bugs destroyed the whole garden, invaded my home, and kept me up at night, my adrenaline levels rose. So I kept it focused. I remained calm. None of this had happened — there were just bugs on the leaves. The garden is now looking good.

TTYL,

Stephen