You can avoid the happy trap

(No. 135) Why The Terminator hates his aging body, plus silver bachelor games

Happiness is a trap

Contentment? Yes, it is doable.

Feeling grounded? Attainable.

Confident? Sure, of course.

But long-term happiness? Exhausting. The smile muscles in your face start to ache.

Yes, happiness is a trap.

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Yes, I’m still single

I’ve noticed that many of my friends are concerned that I am still single, 12 years after my (second) divorce. When they ask if I’m seeing anyone, I say no, feeling like I am disappointing them.

“Sure,” I say, “I’d love to meet someone, but I just don’t.”

It doesn’t feel like much of a fail — rather, it’s just the way my life is going at this point in time. Although this is a defensive response, I will say that I have had relationships during that time, though not lately.

I suspect many other 65+ people are also single. If you’re one of them, I’m going to offer you the opportunity to become famous while finding love. A way to embed yourself into gadzillions of hearts across our lonely nation. You do that by becoming a contestant on Golden Bachelor, the new reality show where seniors looking for love find it — or not. Brought to you by the regular bachelor TV show, which I have never watched.

I thought I might throw my (nonexistent) hat in the ring, but the application implies you can’t join if you have a criminal history. Which I have. (A while back, Homeland Security denied my application for a Global Entry card that would get me quickly through customs, because I’d been arrested twice, once when I was 17 years old and again when I was 19. (“Malicious mischief” at 19, and marijuana possession in a foreign country at 17.) But if you are a silver bachelor who is game to compete for the attentions of a squad of wonderful silver bachelorettes, none of whom are criminals, then fill out the absurdly complicated application here. I hope to see you on the cover of People Magazine (if it still exists) one day soon.

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Your brain as a grapefruit

About six months ago I looked over a neurosurgeon’s shoulder as he entered a woman’s brain to remove a tumor. Research for a book. I was struck by the way he separated sections of her brain, like pulling sections of a grapefruit apart, as he forged a path to the problem. I’ve always thought that the neurons and the way they communicated were the dominant influences on our thoughts and actions, but a recent study suggests that the size and shape of brain sections might play a larger role in how we think.

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The Governator has some thoughts about living well

One key to aging well is to ignore our emotions, says The Terminator. He might be on to something. Also, he doesn’t like anything about his 75 year old body. That seems like a shame, considering how much work he has put into it over the years. “My whole life I look at the mirror and see the best-built man, and all of a sudden I see a bunch of crap. It’s terrible! You get these wrinkles under your eyes. You get wrinkles under your pecs. You see the fucking poodle!” Schwarzenegger told Variety.

The poodle?

“Budle. It’s Austrian for your stomach sticking out. Where the fuck did that come from? It’s not pleasurable. But you cope with it.”

How not to F**ck up your face

Arnold should read Valerie Monroe’s newsletter, for some uplifting thoughts about aging. No reason to always be down on yourself for getting old.

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